She's just so...mmmm
January 09, 2006
December 29, 2005
i met addison at a party on tuesday, and things were going pretty well. this morning he told me to call him when i got off work, but nothin'. couldn't get ahold of him all day. and now he'll be out of town for new year's. i wonder if i'll ever see him again, or if it was just another two-night stand?
not to mention the rest of my week. crazy adventures that i'm not sure if i want to remember or not. why is it that just when things start going well, they go to shit all over again? it's like, every week! hate it.
fuck. my life is so friggin' confusing. maybe i should be like a certain somebody and call myself a "nomosexual." whatever. i'm watching law & order until i fall asleep.
*scowl*
December 23, 2005
argh!! i HATE crushes.
merry christmas everyone.
December 19, 2005
so i made it through finals, thank god. i've become addicted to coffee as i got almost no sleep last week. sean was nice enough to let me stay at his apartment because it is much closer to school than my house. less drive time = more sleep/study time. friday night i went to a "hey school's out so let's get shit-faced" party. it was fun, but i felt pretty sick by the end of the night, so i just crashed with mike. i woke up with only one thought - "burger king." saturday night included partying as well, but this time at the other mike's house. the poor boy was so drunk by the time i got there (i had to work until midnight, those fuckers). richie was nice enough to join me both nights. he's a cool guy, but i dunno... i think i am coming on too strong. kinda like cameron was last night. good god that kid is obvious. i must make him nervous because he begins to stutter whenever he's around me. he seems a little desperate, but i wouldn't mind keeping him as a pal. bryan came home (YAY!!!) and we hung out at family fun center. i won some scooby doo tattoos. they are awesome. we headed out to ihop and eventually fell asleep at brinkman's house watching adult swim. good god, i want to meet the writers of those cartoons. sooo random.
work sucks. my feet reek. tomorrow is my only day off and i have sooo much shit to get done. i have to work on christmas eve, which means that the half of my family i only get to see once a year will be hurtin' for me. yeah that's right. i'm the shit. don't kid yourself. i don't wanna stay home tonight. i love to party and i can't get enough. somebody get online!
ice cream is lovely.
December 12, 2005
so i posted some of my art for all to see. the resolution is crappy because i used my camera phone instead of a decent digital camera, but you get the picture. you can view them on buzznet or myspace.
if i haven't said it already, finals suck my balls. i was actually 45 min late for my lit exam. can you fucking believe it? i got the start time wrong i guess. but i sat down, wrote what was hopefully a kickass essay on existentialism, and left with plenty of time to spare. my physio final on the other hand was a major bitch. of course i perfectly understand all of the broader concepts of learning and memory, but instead he gave us 45 multiple choice questions on the most specific little details that no one could give a shit about. ex: 2-amino-5-phosphonopentanoate (AP5) and its effects on N-methyl-D-aspartate receptors (NMDA) during the process of long-term potentiation. what is an NMDA receptor you ask? why it's simple - it's a specialized ionotropic glutamate receptor that controls a calcium channel that is normally blocked by magnesium ions. however, if the postsynaptic membrane is depolarized, the magnesium is ejected from the ion channel, and the channel is free to admit calcium ions. NMDA receptors are found in the hippocampal formation, especially in field CA1.
if you understand any of that... where the hell were you during the test?! argh, an entire semester of that. you can see why i might be just a little frustrated. i'm off to have lunch with GQ. good luck to all on the rest of their finals.
December 11, 2005
Monday - Literature & Physiological Psych
Wednesday - Latin American History
Thursday - Social Psych
Friday - Research Methods & Satistics
school fuckin' sucks!
December 10, 2005
but, i have company coming over soon, so i must be off. laura, lauren and i are having a little party and exchanging christmas gifts. sorry to everyone else - i bought their gifts before i got rid of my credit cards. everyone else will receive a handmade card and some lisa love.
ooooh i'm starving!
December 08, 2005
speaking of christmas spirit - where's mine? i seem to have none. with finals approaching and spending more time than i prefer in the bitter cold, i am grumpy and depressed. i couldn't give two shits about anyone else. and it makes me upset that i feel this way. i hope things start looking up for me. instead of counting my blessings, i am dwelling on all the things going wrong in my life. and i am morbid. every time the temperature drops to 5 or 6 degrees below zero, my first thought is, "i wonder how many people will die tonight?" i guess i am weird.
anyway, i need to get back to studying. wish me luck on finals, and i'll see you all soon i hope.
December 04, 2005
i used to write that way years ago. but lately, i haven't really given a fuck. i am annoyed because i started seeing this guy, matt. not dating, but we hung out a few times. when i met him, i wasn't that interested. then i started to get to know him, started to like him... and last night he totally shot me down, basically called me high maintenance, and said he doesn't have time to date a girl like me. he dumped me and we weren't even dating. and i soooo didn't think that i would be the "dumpee" in this situation. he was the shy one who had a crush on me first! but whatever. i'm not really mad about it... it just kinda sucks being rejected, whatever the reason might be. i dunno, maybe i AM high maintenance. i hope not. i don't want to be. i want a cigarette. i want to get laid. i'm in a bit of a dry spell. i want to get drunk without having to work the next day or be sick or almost fall asleep on the drive home. i want to work with people who AREN'T a bunch of retards. i don't want to do any more homework and i don't want to take finals.
i want a neck rub and a good night's sleep.
November 17, 2005
tonight is the harry potter premiere, and i have a free ticket for the 12:01 am showing.
i don't really have much else to say. i had my first buttery nipple last friday. i slept all afternoon today. um, yeah i don't feel like writing right now, but at least you know i'm still alive.
November 10, 2005
In other news, I have registered for my classes for spring semester:
1 - Psychology of Gender
2 - Personality Psych
3 - Personal Growth & Development (another psych class)
4 - Research Methods and Stats II (for psych)
5 - RMS II Lab
6 - God and Persons (a philosophy course with a professor who hates me)
I have been a busy gal this week, getting almost no sleep, and eating way too much. I ate so much food on Tuesday that I ended up puking. Yuck - TMI. Yeah whatever. I applied for a new job at a credit union. While it may not be a very exciting job, it will pay more and have better scheduling. I'm pretty sure I'll get it, but I'm still waiting for a phone call. Damn it, NO ONE CALLS ME BACK! Even my dentist! I need to know when my next appointment is, and she's usually so professional about it. My life was up for a couple weeks, but it's starting to fall down again and now I feel kinda crappy. I think it's mostly because I have no money and then after seeing Kiley I am in this sort of unnecessary and somewhat unjustified jealousy frenzy. Blah. Shoot me. or something. I'm just wasted right now. Not drunk - just drained. Physically and emotionally....and I have a sore throat.
*screams*
November 07, 2005
off i go.
November 06, 2005
I wanna let go
You know, you know -
No you don't, you don't
I wanna shine on in the hearts of men
I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier...
- these are the kind of lame jokes my social psych professor finds amusing
friday night after work, i had made plans to go to a free O.A.R. concert at school (i know some of you are jealous), but don't be, because i didn't go. after a couple of shots of raspberry rum and a little beavis and butthead do america, i was ready to party. although the party itself was kind of lame, seeing all my friends made the night special. i drank with some, ate breakfast with others. it was the most pitiful bacon i had ever seen. i had nightmares about a couple guys i know and some crazy devil creature that wanted to kill me. it looked like a furry neopet. work sucked, but i got free makeup for getting people to open up credit cards. they still owe me a lipgloss. i got a job offer to be a teller at a credit union, which is cool because the manager offered to work around my school schedule and pay me more than what i'm making now. i just have to find the time to go in and apply. sean's new apartment looks awesome. it's filled with boxes, but it looks like he's going to have the hippest pad on the block. i can't tell if he's mad at me. he refused to let me hang out with his friends or help him move while they were there, but he allowed my friends to come over for awhile... i dunno. he doesn't even call me anymore. it's saddening. am i slowly losing my best friend? maybe he is just really busy... i can understand that. tonight i watched "batman begins" for the brazillionth time. OF COURSE i fell asleep just before the climax of the movie. that's what i always do. but at least it allowed lauren and powley some makeout time. oh yeah, they are offically dating now. yay for them! they're so cute it almost makes you sick, but in a good way. i, on the other hand, am not really looking for a boyfriend. or am i? i dunno, i am trying to be laidback and go with the flow. i know matt has a crush on me. he's adorable, but i don't know... anyhoo, i am starving and tired and a tad lonely. i want to go to sleep, but i know i will have more bad dreams. i hope i don't become an insomniac just to avoid these nighttime hallucinations! my neurotransmitters are all out of whack. i don't remember which ones though. i can look it up for you later. but you don't care. shut up lisa and go to bed.
OH WAIT! If you get a chance, read the one-act play by Samuel Beckett called "Krapp's Last Tape" and see if you notice any similarities between Krapp and me. Because I did and it was fucking scary.
Ok, goodnight.
November 03, 2005
~ Dr. Lupo on the mating season of gerbils or hamsters or something
I fell asleep at Sean's apartment last night after trying to move the rest of my shit out of there. I mingled with neighbors whom I haven't seen in a while. Jill is pregnant, but she's giving her baby up for adoption. Matt and Jill are still as sweet as ever. Unfortunately, Cory came home while I was over there. Blech. What a tool. Luckily he holed himself up in his room so I didn't have to talk to him. I tried being his friend, but he wouldn't have that, so whatever. Anyway, I passed out at Sean's and my dad was sweet enough to call me in the morning and wake me up for school. I always tell myself that I'm going to set an alarm and get up early, but I should learn by now that it will never happen. I look like crap. Well at least I think so... Some other people told me I looked cute. But my hair is greasy, my legs are unshaven, my clothes are a day old and my underwear is two days old. Yucky.
As I was driving up 24th street on my way to school, Aretha Franklin's "Respect" came on. I turned it up and started jammin'. Apparently I was too loud because the lady driving next to me rolled up her window. I looked over with an apologetic smile and a small wave. She must've thought I looked cute or something because she rolled her window back down and shouted, "Are you married?" I replied with an awkward "No." Then she shouted, "Do you wanna be?" But the light turned before I could ask her if she meant to HER or someone else. She did look kinda butchy. But lady, you just made my day. Thanks for the compliment.
The other day my friend and I were gossiping about a guy in our class that we think is hot. I said, "Stacy, I'm so bored. What are we gonna do for the next hour before class?" She replied, "Why don't you call up Joe and tell him you wanna screw him?" Um, I think not. But an hour later in Social Psych, we were discussing gender differences regarding sexual promiscuity. To demonstrate these differences, we were asked to write anonymously on a piece of paper the answers to the folowing 3 questions:
1) What is your gender?
2) What is the total number of people you want to have sex with in your lifetime?
3) Imagine someone of the gender of your choice. This person is an Adonis, absolutely gorgeous in every way imaginable. This person comes up to you on campus and says, "I have 40 minutes to kill before my next class. Would you like to go have sex with me?" Would you say yes or no?
Immediately my friend and I burst out laughing at the irony of it all. Luckily the guy wasn't in class that day, or I would have had to leave the room from laughing too hard. Of course, the teacher didn't know what was going on. But irony like that occurs all the time in that class. Every time he tries to demonstrate something with a random, imaginary example, it totally pertains to me! I mean word for word, that exact thing has happened to me! Last week he asked me to imagine that I was dating a guy who ended up cheating on me, and to imagine my jealousy if I knew that he was over there having sex with her right this minute. What?! I told him how that actually did happen to me, and he felt awful. I told him not to worry about it though. But it's weird how every demonstration is the story of my fucked up life.
Speaking of cheating, Becky, Seth's girlfriend, has discovered my page on Facebook. I don't know how comfortable I am with her. She stole my most serious boyfriend away from me. Or rather, he allowed himself to be stolen. I blame both of them. But anyway, I don't know how to react when she sends me an e-mail or a text message. I can't really say I want to be friends with them. But I guess it would be good to keep in some sort of contact with her. I'd want to know if Seth got hurt or died or something. Anyway, Becky, if you're reading this - you seem like a really cool girl, and in some other circumstance, you're totally the type of person I'd like to be friends with. But I guess it will take some time before I can completely let go of our awkward situation. But I'm trying. Hope you two are doing well and staying happy. And good luck with the kids!
My sex life on the other hand has been crazy as hell. I've been getting hit on left and right and oh, I'm so confused! I'm used to having a steady relationship, official or unofficial, there's always one guy that takes priority in my life. But now it's just like a typhoon of casual dates and flirtations, etc. that I'm not used to. So after making out with a guy I'll probably never see again, I start to feel needy, like I should call him up and make plans for next week or something. I dunno. You probably think that I'm just being stupid. I'm trying to be laid back and let things flow, but it takes getting used to, I guess.
BUT, I think it's time for a nap. Then lunch with my pals and a guy that has a total crush on me, but pussied out of asking me for my number. He's adorable, but I feel bad because he said he skipping class to eat lunch with us. Yeah, yeah, skipping one class is not usually a big deal, but it's a philosophy class! Maybe it's just me, but I would go because I love love love philosophy. I was going to be a philosophy major, but I figured the only real career options are to become a teacher or a priest. So my choices are pretty limited, and I don't have the patience to teach. Stupid kids, why don't you get it?!
Yeah so um, I gotta go, but I'm sure I'll post more later, along with some pics from Halloween. I've been really busy lately, which means no time to post entries, but it also means more shit to write about, so expect to be doing a lot a reading once you DO see an entry :)
Out.
October 30, 2005
October 29, 2005
can you guess who this is? there's an easy way of figuring it out, but if i told you, that'd be cheating.
"I can't stop this feeling
Deep inside of me
You just don't realize
What you do to me
When you hold me
In your arms so tight
You let me know
Everything's all right
I, I'm hooked on a feeling
I'm high on believing
That you're in love with me"
~ Neil Diamond, Hooked on a Feeling
"I play my cards best I can
But I lose my luck when you're not here
My darling heart, won't you please give in
I may be strong but I want you back again
When you're not here love, it's hard to pretend
It's all alright again
When you're not here love it's hard to pretend
It's all alright...still
Why do I beg like a child for your candy?
Why do I run after you like I do I love you
Whatever you are I swear
You'll be my angel"
~ Dave Matthews, Angel
One nice thing about living with my dad is that I can roll in at 8 am on a Saturday morning to a house blasting with music. Unfortunately, not all of it is stuff that I would listen to, but oh well. Parents aren't supposed to be cool 100% of the time anyway. Unless we lived in some alternate universe....or do we?
Everybody get ready for Halloween, and if you wanna party, just give me a call! Costume recommended, but not required. And bring some cash because I'm not buying your drinks tonight.
October 27, 2005
1) fatigue
2) loss or increase in appetite
3) chronic and/or temporal pain or aches
4) insomnia (too much or too little sleep, having trouble falling asleep or waking up)
5) decrease in the immune system
yeah, i'd say i have all those. but i'm also somewhat of a hypochondriac, so who knows? i swear i have tinnitus. and i'll probably get cancer. and then i'll die. oh what happy days.
so most of my midterms were postponed to this week, and i've been busy busy busy. monday was okay, just general classes, lectures, too much coffee making me rush across campus to find the nearest bathroom before class starts, etc. tuesday was my social psych test. wednesday was my group presentation in world lit - an analysis of T.S. Eliot's "The Waste Land." in addition to the presentation, we have to turn in a paper about it. Yuck, that was hard to do. today was my physio psych test over all the sensory systems of the body. i also have a paper due in social psych. then tomorrow is another group presenation for my research/stats class - we are analyzing observations of awkward behavior presented when strangers are waiting for elevators. then after work, dinner at grandma's! i'd tell you what's to eat, but it's a birthday dinner for my dad and the cuisine is a surprise. i'm not sure if he reads this or not, so it's better left unsaid until the weekend. i know, i know, grandma's dinner is SOOO fascinating, you just have to know right now! anyhoo, saturday = work, getting all costumed up, and then party hopping until i'm too drunk to drive. i don't need to get into an accident. my brother already took care of that when he hit some old lady's dog! apparently the dog fucked up the front of his car. oh well, it happens to all of us. well, not me. i haven't hit anything living yet...unless you count grass.
so every tuesday night my friends and i meet up at B-Dub's for wings and drinks and maybe some darts. i invited hannah and jason this week. with hannah it was kind of awkward. i hadn't seen or spoken to her in the last 6 months, and when we left off, we hated each other, or at least i hated her. but i saw her online and decided to say hello and apologize for what happened in the past. at B-Dub's she was okay, I guess. she was cute until she started drinking, and then she was just loud and annoying. but i still hung out with her...she beat be at darts god damn it! it was a lucky bullseye that did me in. my friend alejandro paid her 5 bucks to kiss me, so the next thing i know she turns me around and starts making out with me. it wasn't a huge deal since we've made out in the past, but it did take me by surprise. at least she got some money out of it. although she could have given me half for borrowing so many cigarettes from me all night. oh well. i'm a giver. :)
later that evening i ended up going over to jason's apartment. it's friggin' beautiful. we stole a huge broken clock off the wall in the laundry room. apparently his building was built in the 1920's and he still has some of the original lighting and plumbing fixtures. there's even a little room where the servant would have lived (now turned into a pantry). but i loved the high ceilings, wooden floors, and chessboards all over the damn place. we played with some brass pieces he got in Egypt, but the game ended in a stalemate. he taught me some guitar, and i ended up sleeping over in his african-themed bedroom (actually quite nice) until his phone went off at 7 in the morning. damn it! i had to rush to school in my stinky day-old clothes, without my backpack, and write my speech for that morning. luckily i found a copy of the poem online because i didn't have any books with me. i even had to buy a legal pad just so i'd have some paper to take notes with for the day. but at least i went to school, which is more than i can say for my freshman year.
BUT... i've gotta head over to one of the dorms and do some elevator observations.
catch you on the flipside.
October 26, 2005
steve tends to follow the cursor, but if you click on him, he'll run on the wheel for you. i like steve...because he's kinda fuzzy.
October 25, 2005
October 24, 2005
October 23, 2005
I've always wanted to spend a day in someone else's shoes. I want to see into their mind and read their thoughts. Perhaps then I wouldn't feel like the only crazy person in the world. For those who would ever want to spend a day in my shoes, here is my Saturday:
Today was a busy, busy day for me. I woke up to a very cold morning and chatted with Dad over two cups of coffee. I took a shower, where I learned it is almost painful to shave your legs when you have goosebumps. I headed off to work for three hours (a waste of my time). I ran to the bank, went home to change, and drove to my first Mormon wedding. A co-worker of mine was getting married, and I still don't believe that she is virgin after dating the man for 5 years. She is probably losing her cherry as I type. Maybe. Anyhoo, after that I drove to a golf course in the middle of nowhere for the reception. The only people I knew there acted kinda clique-y and didn't talk to me much, so I didn't feel bad when I left early. I somehow managed to find my way back to the highway in the dark, and drove an hour back to Omaha. Subsequently, I met up with Bryan, my ex, who is in town for the weekend at Village Inn. There were many old friends whom I've haven't seen in years there, also. We exchanged contact info, and then I left to pick up Colin. Colin is also an old friend in town for the weekend. We then met back up with Bryan at a party in the middle of nowhere, but out west this time. But first, we got lost on the way there... dark, empty fields surrounding us. I lifted my dress as I peed outside, of course on a slippery, muddy hill. Froze my ass off as I was completely commando. I pondered whether or not I got pee on my shoes...again. At the party I ran into an old co-worker, Brad, who gave me a Guiness (ech). Met many new people and had many interesting conversations. After a while I took Colin home, and drove home myself.
But now I am afraid to go to sleep. I haven't been able to get ahold of Sean, which is odd since I know he would have wanted to hang out with Colin. I am suspicious that he is seeing someone else and not telling me. He has every right to, but I am just being honest in admitting my jealousy. I love him, but I fucked up. Now I am very sad and confused and lonely. I wish he would call me back. It is calming to talk to him before bedtime. Bah, I wish I hadn't had so much caffeine today. I'm afraid of tonight's nightmares. I don't know what they'll be, but I'm sure I'll wake up scared and frustrated. The other night I dreamed about the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I don't even like that band. Stalker Dave talked incessantly about them to me, and it completely turned me off to anything RHCP-related.
So yeah, there's my day and my worries in a relatively large nutshell. I wish I was drunk so I could just pass out and quit being so anxious. It's nerve-wrecking! Someone come knock me out with their mighty right cross that lands them a minor part in Rocky VI. Or something of that nature.
Not so good night to you.
P.S. I am sometimes dyslexic when it comes to Roman numerals, so in case I typed the above reference incorrectly, that was meant to say "Rocky 6." That is all.
October 22, 2005
Everyone is fucking psychotic today, including my cell phone.
I got hit in the face with reality tonight, and I'm quite all right with it. I guess.
Trance music must definitely be for when you're high, because when you listen to it sober, it is just too freaky...and not in a good way. My radio got a lot of weird looks from me.
Madonna's new song sucks so much ass, it's going to hell.
I am going to a wedding in the afternoon, after three pointless hours at work. I shall be attending "stag," and it makes me feel very Carrie Bradshaw, because I will be smokin'.
Bryan is coming to town tonight, which excites me as I have not seen him in at least a year. By the way, Bryan is one of my ex-boyfriends. But we still like him. He is a good friend. And I'm quite proud of him, too. He goes to art school in Philadelphia, and he is now working on the new season of MTV2's Wonder Showzen. Yay!
I figured out most of my Halloween costume. But you don't get to know what it is yet. I'll take pics at the party.
My boss drove me crazy at work. Literally. I am starting to lost control, and one day I'm gonna have to quit. I really need to get a new job lined up in case that happens.
Sunday is my dad's birthday. You all can chip in and buy him a present, because I already owe him an ass-load of money. I know he wants a new bathrobe. Can you swing it?
One last thing - Mike invited me on a ski trip to Winter Park, CO in December. It sounds like fun. Ski trips are something I've only seen in the movies...and Saved by the Bell (Damn you, Rod Belding!). I plan to go, as long as I can save up some money.
Okay, it's bedtime. I have to look hot tomorrow.
October 20, 2005
you think you are sly and conniving, but i'm onto you. and it's not going to work. you are upset for no reason, because i knew it was you the whole time. don't try to trick me. it will only result in someone getting hurt. i thought you wanted to make things better. now you are angry and ignoring me, which in turn, makes me upset and sad. i don't know what to do. i am trying, but it looks like you just want me to fuck up again. don't test me. instead, learn to trust me. i had to do the same for you, once upon a time. i love you. i'm not out to hurt you, i promise.
I bet things were easier back then.
i am the red tree.
bright and unique, but slowly falling apart.
standing alone, making a mess around me.
only a few notice as they pass.
soon i'll be gone.
will you remember me?
Tough problems
Chocolate-dipped drama
PMS
How can you lose?
Your passion -
Really big deal
Rush hour
Good news
Circle of friends
Your words
Life's little complexities
For you
Taking control
Ask your doctor
No purchase necessary
Discover
The most interesting
Romantic pseudonym
An old hobby = Decorating old cigarette tins. This is a poem that emerged from one of them. I'm sure I've posted it before, but I kinda like it.
I tried going to a counselor last year, but she didn't do anything about the dreams. She helped me out with some relationship problems, but I think it's gonna take drugs to stop the nightmares. I just can't stand it! It's going on eight years and enough is enough!
I need some coffee...
October 19, 2005
I don't get myself sometimes.
My ex is depressed lately. In fact, his whole personality changed right around the time he met this girl at work....he started keeping secrets and not opening up. Eventually I found out he was cheating on me with her and then I got dumped. Now he's living with her and I don't talk to them that often. But lately, he's been depressed and it's weird that I am getting calls from HER at 11 o' clock at night because she doesn't know what to do. My phone said call from "B---- the Bitch."
So here's the part I don't get - I listened to her! I tried to be friendly and counsel her. WHY WOULD I DO THAT? Those two have turned my life upside down and inside out... they sent me to one of my lowest points. So why am I being there for them? My ex called also, the other day. I dunno, maybe I still care about him. But I don't know why I offer to help them out. I don't want their relationship to succeed. I want it to fail so he could see what a shitty thing it was to choose her over me. It's apparent that his life is already taking one bad turn after another. I don't want him to die or anything....but just to feel what I felt.
So I dunno. It's so weird to have her call me up needing someone to listen.
I don't know what to do. I want things to suck for them, but at the same time I hate to think someone is suffering. Argh! I wish none of this had ever happened! I'm so confused!
What would you do?
in fact, i'd have to wait until i was retired to do any of thoe things anyway.
i've come to the conclusion that life in america is a waste of time....
i get underpaid at a shitty part-time job while i go to school so i can learn to be really good at a shitty full-time job, so good in fact that i end up working overtime every week, wearing myself out so much so that i grow sick, and then there will be no time to do the things that i love until after i die.
why do they work us so hard?
this is why i am moving to south america... or maybe new zealand. either way, i need to get out of here.
this is how pathetic it is...
people are coming to inspect our store today...i have to go in on my day off even when i feel like shit because of my cold to make sure that every little t-shirt is folded properly even though i'm sure the people that are coming in don't give a fuck!
i just feel lost...
and i haven't the resources to find the way to where i want to be.
October 18, 2005
Today's schedule is a tad different:
I need to go hit up NFM and see if they have any Batman Begins dvds left for 10 bucks! Probably not, I woke up late. I'll get some laundry and other errands done, go to work, go to B-Dubs, go to movie night atPowley's, where we will be watching, you guessed it, Batman Begins, and then I don't know what after that. It's Fall Break, so whatever I wanna do, I guess :) I kinda want to go down to Lincoln tomorrow. We'll see. I probably don't have enough money.
Anyway, this was the most boring blog entry EVER, so I'm gonna finish my coffee and split. Hopefully more profound insights will appear later!
October 16, 2005
God damn it!
There's more I want to say, but I feel that if I publish it for all to see, I am going to regret it. I am looking for something in particular, but I'm holding myself back, tangled up in my safety net. I'm not as brave as everyone thought I was. I'm sitting around thinking that life will come and happen to me, because if it's really right, then that's how it'll be. If I go out searching, I'll come across something that resembles what I seek, but I won't ever be sure if it's what I truly want. Until then, I sit here awake and unhappy and unsure. And if this sounds cryptic to you - good, it's supposed to.
October 15, 2005
Apparently this week was Midterms Week although I never even noticed because I only had one test and didn't even realize that I have Fall Break next week! Yay!! It'll give me a chance to catch up on some much needed rest and maybe do some laundry and take a long, hot shower.
In the meantime, I've watched two pathetic romantic comedies while waiting for someone to call me back three hours too late, which is really quite rude. I ate more than one too many tacos and now my tummy hurts. There are prospects of cosmic bowling later this evening as my plans to visit the pumpkin patch have been foiled. Drat!
I don't know what else to say. Really. I've had a lot on my mind over the last few days and I forgot to write any of it down. I've been doing some sketching lately. I posted a few of them on Buzznet, and hopefully I'll have some more up soon.
Okay, so yeah. I'm lonely. Someone give me a call. Or leave a comment. So maybe I know at least someone reads this. Maybe.
Ok bye.
October 11, 2005
Corcoran (is that how you spell his name?) just suggested that I bring my sandwiches in a tupperware container to help prevent smooshing! Unbelievable! Inconceivable! Great Scott!
And Sean - I've called you twice already to wake you up. I'm not calling anymore. I feel like a tool talking to your answering machine knowing perfectly well that there are two capable phone answerers in that apartment, and not one of them will end my misery! WAKE UP!!!
But it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
Don't believe me, don't believe me
When I say I've got it down
Everybody is just a stranger but
That's the danger in going my own way
I guess it's the price I have to pay
Still everything happens for a reason
Is no reason not to ask myself
If I am living it right
Am I living it right?
~John Mayer
The benefits of being a friendly networker: The coffee shop clerk loaned me 64 cents so I could have my morning coffee. Thank ya, lady! Be nice to those whom you encounter, and they may just help you out one day! Not that missing your morning coffee is such a dire situation; but I don't get breakfast, and I wasn't too fond of nodding off in Physiological Psychology at 9:30 in the morning. The class is mostly lecture - really fast-paced lecture. The text is only good for the pictures, and even some of those are unclear. So falling asleep? Not such a good idea.
I think I might actually do well on a test in Physio now! Today we began our discussion on audition (the sense of hearing). With my background in physics and music, I followed the lecture quite nicely. Plus, I've had about a billion hearing problems throughout my life. I already know I have significant hearing loss, but I think I may also have tinnitus. I should make an appointment with the doctor to get that checked out.
I should probably also get a mammogram or something being that October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. While most women wait until their 40's to have this exam, my family history suggests that I might start getting tested now. It's not just my mom who died of it. My aunt (her sister) died from breast cancer, too. And a third sister had it, but she is currently in remission.
Sean says I'm going for the triple threat: breast cancer, lung cancer, and skin cancer. Although I've terminated my membership at the tanning salon, I have not yet quit smoking. I switched to Camel Lights (from the previous Camel Filters) in a lame attempt to say that I am quitting. But really I am just smoking more cigarettes more often.
Speaking of appetite suppressants, I am starving. I brought a sandwich from home, but I'm sure it has been smooshed by now. Backpacks, although more hip than lunch pails, do not provide adaquate anti-smoosh protection for ham and cheese sandwiches. The fudge brownie might be all right, as it is a little more dense. But it's still totally smooshable! For instance, if I were to step on it, it would probably smoosh. Maybe if I threw it against the wall... Or bounced it off someone's head... Either way, I'm eating it.
Adios para ahora!
2:41 am
I can't sleep. When I close my eyes there are too many gruesome images flashing through my head. I tried to focus on a single white light, however the images frightened me awake again. The nightmares died down for a while, but they never stopped. For those of you who don't know me, I have been having nightmares almost every night for what I estimate to be over 6 years. I can remember the first ones started my freshman year of high school. Coincidentally, I think that was when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. But I think the coincidence is unrelated. Last year I went to the school counselor to resolve this problem, but we ended up discussing other aspects of my life instead. Oy, that was a bad semester.
Anyway, I wish I was blogging right now, but the mousepad on my laptop isn't working; and it's too late to worry about it now. Sometimes I become obsessed with writing every little thought down.
I am tired...exhausted even....
But my brain is way too busy to let me sleep.
October 10, 2005
pin-up leg sleeveless tank
black & white polka dot blazer
worn-out chuck taylor's
but my jeans aren't skinny enough
coffee shop haircut
late night at the donut stop
where does punk end and poser begin?
so lame
fuck that. i'm eclectic. preppy chic one day. coffee-house alternative the next. like i said, you don't fuckin' know me.
why don't you try to?
Current desktop:
I'm off to watch my new dvd - Ghost World. I am in love with Scarlett Johansson.
...and Thora Birch.
In the words of Frank Rizzo, "Yeah, I'd stick my finger up her butt."
October 09, 2005
woke up late for work
bad hair day
running low on gas
hitting every red light
overworked and understaffed
BUT...
I got hit on by the guy who works at Subway. He's never said much to me before. I think it's the new haircut. :)
LIGER
Bred for its magic and skills!
Someone drew me a picture of a liger with that caption and taped it to my cash register one morning. From the handwriting I thought it might have been Amy, but that's impossible because she is out of the country. Unless... ???
There was a ghost in my room the other night. My oscillating fan turned on for a moment, then off again. I was on the other side of the room. Creeeeeeepy.
Went pumpkin shopping
Saw a box of cereal called "Nutty Nuggets" (use your imagination)
Went to the bookstore...
I read a very interesting philosophical discertation On Bullshit by Harry Frankfurt (pun totally intended)
I also read Amphigorey by Edward Gorey. Here are a few choice quotations:
Beyond the glass, we see life pass.
It is not the living, it is the being lived on.
Not everything in life can be interpreted metaphorically. That's because things fall out on the way.
More is happening out there than we are aware of. It is possibly due to some unknown direful circumstance.
I thought it was going to be different. It turned out to be just the same.
To catch and keep the public's gaze, one must have lots of little ways.
And what if then we don't find out what all of it has been about?
I was with Sean. I stayed at his apartment for a little while, but left when Cory arrived. He laughed at me as though I had gotten myself into something absolutely ridiculous. Maybe he's right. But I'm tired as hell and I don't want to think about it.
Goodnight.
October 08, 2005
I ran up the down escalator the other night. It was tough, but invigorating.
I hate poetry. It's too cryptic. But I wrote three poems Friday morning...
#1
Contortion under the sheets
Fallen tears and blushing flesh
Fleeting contemplations
Searching for a meaning
Why, oh why
Do you make me feel this way?
Transforming into someone
I don't want to be
I am my own person
You don't know me
You don't know...
And apparently -
You'll never know...
#2
A heavy heart
Anchors me
And guilt has overcome
Never was
My intent
To ruin all the fun
For Us.
Like no other
You've been there
Through all the pain and tears
And one can only
Hope and pray
For forgiveness
Except I don't pray
No more smoke
No more mirrors
For Us.
#3
It's not my own heart
With which I am
Concerned,
But that of you and him and she
I have made you hate your home
It's unfair, what I did
Despite any moral objection,
Not in the wrong
But not in the right
I'm stuck in the middle
With you.
I don't know why...things are just not going well for me. I am trying really hard to make up for my mistakes, and it's as if I have absolutely no credibility. Not a single "Oh, Lisa, we understand that you are a dumbfuck. But we're willing to handle this like civilized people, because we still want to be friends with you." NOTHING! No one gives a shit about how I feel about things. No one cares that I am trying to make amends. They all just wanna hear the juicy gossip and jump immediately onto the hate-wagon.
FFFFUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!
I got a haircut. Bought some new pants. I need a change. No one wants to be around me? Well fine! I don't need you. I don't care. Screw it. Actually, I do care. But whatever. I've done the alone-thing for years. I can do it again. Maybe. Probably not. UGH! I'm so fucking frustrated. I have nowhere to go. My dad hates me. My friends hate me. My other friends pity me. And everyone has the impression that I'm some huge slut. Fuck, no. And I'm too much of a chickenshit to escape. Is anybody hearing me? Does anybody read this? If so, what the hell do you think???
P.S. Where is my Rooney cd???
October 04, 2005
I fell down at school today. Tripped on the sidewalk right in front of the library for all to see. Lauren was nice enough to walk meback to her dorm and bandage me up. I took a nap during the Cardinals game and woke up with drool all over my shoulder. What an embarassing afternoon. And of course my Social Psych teacher had to use the incident as an example in class. Oy. I don't care though. I'm a popular, smart-ass class clown. If anything, people notice me. I guess.
I miss my home - my apartment, that is. Sure all my clean underwear is at my dad's house, but my sanctuary lies on the outskirts of downtown. It's only been a day or two since I stepped foot inside, but I miss it. I miss my friends. I miss Sean. I fucked up everything, and I feel awful. And pissed off. I jeopardized the only steady relationship in my life for a chance to date Cory. God! He said I was the exact opposite of the kind of person he wants in his life right now. *frustrated sigh* No tact whatsoever. It's not even worth it. I want my best friend back. I had doubts about dating him, but maybe I was just over-worrying. I tend to do that.
I don't know what I want.
I want things to go back to the way they were. I can't stand the thought of going home where it's dark and lonely. I am a night owl in search of the company of others. I hung out with a bunch of different people last night, but it wasn't as satisfactory as the apartment would have been. I would rather sit there and fight with Sean and fight with Cory then be left alone to dwell on the whole situation.
I want to touch lives, but I'm not perfect.
Just when things are going the way I want them to, I fuck up. I get so close to reaching my goals and then I somehow get in the way. According to the actor-observer difference, I should be blaming everyone else. And I partly am. But I also know that it's my fault. I wish it wasn't. Shouldn't the fact that I can openly admit that earn me some credit? Maybe not. I don't know.
I have to go...
la noche pasado...
started out with some kindness
followed by reggies
maximum overkill
i revisited the past
of my white-trash haven
childhood memories but so much has changed.
next up my tattoo
then a necklace, purple and orange.
gulping coffee by the gallon
wish i could go back
to my sanctuary
but i am not wanted
nobody's feeling the love
i'm stuck in the middle
with you
October 03, 2005
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts
October 02, 2005
Cause I've been biting my tongue all week
I keep on talking trash
But I never say anything
And the talking leads to touching
And the touching leads to sex
And then there is no mystery left
And it's bad news, baby, I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news
I know I'm alone
If I'm with or without you
But just being around you
Offers me another form of relief
When the lonliness leads to bad dreams
And the bad dreams lead me to calling you
And I call you and say "come here!"
And it's bad news, baby, I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news
And it's bad news, baby, it's bad news
It's just bad news, bad news, bad news
Cause you're just damage control
For a walking corpse like me, like you
Cause we'll all be portions for foxes
Yeah we'll all be portions for foxes
There's a pretty young thing in front of you
And she's real pretty
And she's real into you
And then she's sleeping inside of you
And the talking leads to touching
And the touching leads to sex
And then there is no mystery left
And it's bad news, I don't blame you
I do the same thing, I get lonely too
And you're bad news, my friends tell me to leave you
That you're bad news, bad news, bad news
You're bad news, baby you're bad news
And you're bad news, baby you're bad news
And you're bad news, I don't care I like you
And you're bad news, I don't care I like you
I like you
September 30, 2005
Sept. 6, 2002
Keep your chin up. You will get through this.
I'm not quite sure what my greatest failure is. I know I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, many of which I regret. I regret not spending time with my mom during that final month. I was always out of the house - work, school, friends. Preoccupation took my mind off of things. I wanted to be happy... Perhaps somewhere in the back of my mind I thought she'd get better. On the other hand, I knew she'd die. I'd love for her to come back. But I've had to learn to move on.
Sept. 25, 2002
This last May I lost my mom to a 3-year battle with breast cancer. I think the gradual loss made it easier for me to accept. I still cry at times. I try not to dwell on my sadness, but there will always be an emptiness in my heart where she used to be. I had much support from family and friends. However, I didn't really feel any better about it. The part that saddens me most is putting myself in my dad's shoes. I can't imagine losing the love of my life. There was a formality to it all. I had to help make funeral arrangements and stuff. It made everything a little more surreal and less poignant. Know what I mean? Anyway, I'll always love her.
Oct. 23, 2002
Someday I want to...
- meet the love of my life
- visit a foreign country
-publish a written work
- learn to oil paint
- be brave enough to visit my mom's grave more often
- accept myself completely
- get married
-go to the beach
- work for a politician
- volunteer at a research lab
- visit SETI
-decorate my own home
-wear a skirt to a casual event
- make a scrapbook
Oct. 24, 2002
Confrontation
(This girl really pissed me off that year)
Karla: I'm better than you.
Lisa: Alright, that's it. You have been buggin me for over a month now. Even if I'm not talking to you, you butt in with your own opinion, usually followed by some snide comment about me or someone else. You are a very rude and unlikeable person. Good luck succeeding in the real world. There aren't many openings for "Professional Bitch." You always act like you know everything and that you're better than everyone else. Well FUCK YOU! You're not even close. I suggest you get a new attitude or someday someone is gonna end up whoopin' your fat ass.
Karla: *speechless*
Oct. 29, 2002
Conceited Self-Analysis
I'm supposed to write about my funeral, especially what people might say about me. This will eventually lead to my own personal mission statement. I don't wanna. We're sitting in the chapel. It's rather cold in here.
Lisa Bloomingdale...
She was almost perfect.
She had so many attributes:
- intelligence
- creative
- artistic talent
- beauty
- a sense of humor
She was te most open-minded and understanding person.
People fall in love with her right away.
People become addicted.
She helped others every once in a while.
She's so very strong.
She was very giving.
Dec. 17, 2002
government class. cold. smelly. noisy. everybody but me has a clicky "boxing pen." just finished taking a test. she said it would be 50 multiple choice. she lied. my hand hurts. three minutes till the bell. can't wait. teachers are sick. students are sick. finals suck. boys suck. let david make the next move. don't mislead seth. you still love him more than anything. call him. don't stress. no worries. college apps. finals. buckle down. job apps. pray. christmas presents. finish up. money. deal with it. chapped lips. go away. final announcements. thank god. dudes, shut up! see ya.
i think i will stick with MySpace for now. nobody reads this one anyway.
December 29, 2005
okay, so i admitted my crush to richie. he doesn't want to be anything more than friends. that's cool. no big deal. except now it's kinda awkward when i talk to him.
i met addison at a party on tuesday, and things were going pretty well. this morning he told me to call him when i got off work, but nothin'. couldn't get ahold of him all day. and now he'll be out of town for new year's. i wonder if i'll ever see him again, or if it was just another two-night stand?
not to mention the rest of my week. crazy adventures that i'm not sure if i want to remember or not. why is it that just when things start going well, they go to shit all over again? it's like, every week! hate it.
fuck. my life is so friggin' confusing. maybe i should be like a certain somebody and call myself a "nomosexual." whatever. i'm watching law & order until i fall asleep.
*scowl*
December 23, 2005
i should have known things wouldn't go my way when i commenced the evening by stepping into a huge wet pile of dog shit. damn you powley's jesus-freak housemate! i bought sam a buttery nipple for his birthday and smoked way too many cigarettes. i dressed scenester which was appropriate seeing as how i ran into malinda today. oops! forgot to call her. i got invited to three different parties within an hour today. i spent two hours reorganizing a filing cabinet because there was absolutely nothing to do at work...until i got to start bossing people around. that's always fun. authority rules.
argh!! i HATE crushes.
merry christmas everyone.
December 19, 2005
my feet stink....really bad.
so i made it through finals, thank god. i've become addicted to coffee as i got almost no sleep last week. sean was nice enough to let me stay at his apartment because it is much closer to school than my house. less drive time = more sleep/study time. friday night i went to a "hey school's out so let's get shit-faced" party. it was fun, but i felt pretty sick by the end of the night, so i just crashed with mike. i woke up with only one thought - "burger king." saturday night included partying as well, but this time at the other mike's house. the poor boy was so drunk by the time i got there (i had to work until midnight, those fuckers). richie was nice enough to join me both nights. he's a cool guy, but i dunno... i think i am coming on too strong. kinda like cameron was last night. good god that kid is obvious. i must make him nervous because he begins to stutter whenever he's around me. he seems a little desperate, but i wouldn't mind keeping him as a pal. bryan came home (YAY!!!) and we hung out at family fun center. i won some scooby doo tattoos. they are awesome. we headed out to ihop and eventually fell asleep at brinkman's house watching adult swim. good god, i want to meet the writers of those cartoons. sooo random.
work sucks. my feet reek. tomorrow is my only day off and i have sooo much shit to get done. i have to work on christmas eve, which means that the half of my family i only get to see once a year will be hurtin' for me. yeah that's right. i'm the shit. don't kid yourself. i don't wanna stay home tonight. i love to party and i can't get enough. somebody get online!
ice cream is lovely.
December 12, 2005
It's All Greek To Me
so i posted some of my art for all to see. the resolution is crappy because i used my camera phone instead of a decent digital camera, but you get the picture. you can view them on buzznet or myspace.
if i haven't said it already, finals suck my balls. i was actually 45 min late for my lit exam. can you fucking believe it? i got the start time wrong i guess. but i sat down, wrote what was hopefully a kickass essay on existentialism, and left with plenty of time to spare. my physio final on the other hand was a major bitch. of course i perfectly understand all of the broader concepts of learning and memory, but instead he gave us 45 multiple choice questions on the most specific little details that no one could give a shit about. ex: 2-amino-5-phosphonopentanoate (AP5) and its effects on N-methyl-D-aspartate receptors (NMDA) during the process of long-term potentiation. what is an NMDA receptor you ask? why it's simple - it's a specialized ionotropic glutamate receptor that controls a calcium channel that is normally blocked by magnesium ions. however, if the postsynaptic membrane is depolarized, the magnesium is ejected from the ion channel, and the channel is free to admit calcium ions. NMDA receptors are found in the hippocampal formation, especially in field CA1.
if you understand any of that... where the hell were you during the test?! argh, an entire semester of that. you can see why i might be just a little frustrated. i'm off to have lunch with GQ. good luck to all on the rest of their finals.
December 11, 2005
My Finals:
Monday - Literature & Physiological Psych
Wednesday - Latin American History
Thursday - Social Psych
Friday - Research Methods & Satistics
school fuckin' sucks!
December 10, 2005
okay - awkward. i just had an IM conversation with none other than cory. jeez, i thought he hated me, could care less if i was dead, etc. i know i felt that way sometimes about him. apparently he just wanted to be friendly - something i was once chastized for. oh well, i guess everyone moves on at their own pace. it was kinda like talking to becky. ugh. speaking of, it seems everywhere i go someone stops me and asks if i know her. seth is pissed because he doesn't know what her motives are, and why she is so obsessed with keeping contact with me. it's just been a weird day.
but, i have company coming over soon, so i must be off. laura, lauren and i are having a little party and exchanging christmas gifts. sorry to everyone else - i bought their gifts before i got rid of my credit cards. everyone else will receive a handmade card and some lisa love.
ooooh i'm starving!
December 08, 2005
as i was taking a break from studying to go smoke in the kitchen, i came upon an article in the local newspaper discussing the political correctness of today's season's greetings, particularly the cards being sent out by the white house. it seems as though the president is trying to be politically correct by wishing happy holidays rather than merry christmas. the reasoning stated was that the cards are being sent to people of all religions, however, many right-wing religious groups call this a "war on christmas." they believe the country is trying to eradicate christ's birth, the original meaning of christmas, from the now over-commercialized holiday. and i think in some cases this assumption is correct, especially concerning retail advertising. in my case, i say happy holidays for a different reason - to include both christmas and new year's. political correctness is not such a bad thing, until it runs amok and takes over people's inadaquate and miserable little lives. stop whining and get in the spirit!
speaking of christmas spirit - where's mine? i seem to have none. with finals approaching and spending more time than i prefer in the bitter cold, i am grumpy and depressed. i couldn't give two shits about anyone else. and it makes me upset that i feel this way. i hope things start looking up for me. instead of counting my blessings, i am dwelling on all the things going wrong in my life. and i am morbid. every time the temperature drops to 5 or 6 degrees below zero, my first thought is, "i wonder how many people will die tonight?" i guess i am weird.
anyway, i need to get back to studying. wish me luck on finals, and i'll see you all soon i hope.
December 04, 2005
i am sick. again. my symptoms are remniscent of those which i experienced during my bouts of mono and strep. but i don't think it is either of those... or is it? i thought for a moment that i had developed bronchitis, but i don't really know much about that particular ailment. i was simply startled this morning, for i was sure i would hack up an entire lung if my tiny throat should allow it.
i used to write that way years ago. but lately, i haven't really given a fuck. i am annoyed because i started seeing this guy, matt. not dating, but we hung out a few times. when i met him, i wasn't that interested. then i started to get to know him, started to like him... and last night he totally shot me down, basically called me high maintenance, and said he doesn't have time to date a girl like me. he dumped me and we weren't even dating. and i soooo didn't think that i would be the "dumpee" in this situation. he was the shy one who had a crush on me first! but whatever. i'm not really mad about it... it just kinda sucks being rejected, whatever the reason might be. i dunno, maybe i AM high maintenance. i hope not. i don't want to be. i want a cigarette. i want to get laid. i'm in a bit of a dry spell. i want to get drunk without having to work the next day or be sick or almost fall asleep on the drive home. i want to work with people who AREN'T a bunch of retards. i don't want to do any more homework and i don't want to take finals.
i want a neck rub and a good night's sleep.
November 17, 2005
damn, it's been like a week since i've posted. i've basically been living at work because i'm "the only one capable" of getting shit done. i should totally ask for a raise, especially since i didn't get the new job i applied for.
tonight is the harry potter premiere, and i have a free ticket for the 12:01 am showing.
i don't really have much else to say. i had my first buttery nipple last friday. i slept all afternoon today. um, yeah i don't feel like writing right now, but at least you know i'm still alive.
November 10, 2005
Okay, I just ran into Kiley on campus because she works for Gateway and is doing some promotional contest where students can win free laptops. She asked me about Sean, and she claims she hasn't talked to him for awhile. But she had the same awkward look and intonation that Hannah had when she lied to me about making out with Sean. So I asked her if she knew something I didn't - maybe Sean is seeing someone else and just hasn't bothered to tell me? She replied that she knows nothing, but again with the awkwardness! I haven't been able to get ahold of him for awhile, but I didn't want to bug him because he told me he was ill. But he doesn't return my calls or anything, and it sucks because I miss him. I dunno, I wish I would stop freaking out over every little thing because it's probably just all in my head, and even if it wasn't it wouldn't matter. I fucked up things with Sean, and although I am trying to right my wrongs, he is still free to do as he pleases. I just wish he'd call me back.
In other news, I have registered for my classes for spring semester:
1 - Psychology of Gender
2 - Personality Psych
3 - Personal Growth & Development (another psych class)
4 - Research Methods and Stats II (for psych)
5 - RMS II Lab
6 - God and Persons (a philosophy course with a professor who hates me)
I have been a busy gal this week, getting almost no sleep, and eating way too much. I ate so much food on Tuesday that I ended up puking. Yuck - TMI. Yeah whatever. I applied for a new job at a credit union. While it may not be a very exciting job, it will pay more and have better scheduling. I'm pretty sure I'll get it, but I'm still waiting for a phone call. Damn it, NO ONE CALLS ME BACK! Even my dentist! I need to know when my next appointment is, and she's usually so professional about it. My life was up for a couple weeks, but it's starting to fall down again and now I feel kinda crappy. I think it's mostly because I have no money and then after seeing Kiley I am in this sort of unnecessary and somewhat unjustified jealousy frenzy. Blah. Shoot me. or something. I'm just wasted right now. Not drunk - just drained. Physically and emotionally....and I have a sore throat.
*screams*
November 07, 2005
okay it's been dark for about 5 hours and i am hopped up on coffee and anticipation. anticipation for what you might ask? nothing in particular really. i just have a busy day tomorrow. i have to meet with my advisor so i can register for classes next semester. i need to email a paper to one of my professors, and i am applying for a new job in the afternoon. hmm what else, oh yeah. i have tons of laundry and cleaning to do before i meet up with my friends at BW3. and i think i should probably hit the gym. i know i just lost 30 lbs, but the weightloss is starting to subside and i need to firm up. and stop eating junk food. i never had a belly before, and i don't want to start getting one now. i looked at my old student ID photo and i looked terrible back then! it looks like a completely different person. blech. i just hooked up some new speakers to my laptop, but i can't really blare them until tomorrow morning after my dad leaves for work. oh remind me to ask dr. lupo if a woman's senses are heightened during ovulation. i don't remember to which specific sense dr. leak was referring, but i am supposed to report the answer back to him at 2pm sharp. i am such a smart ass in that class. i hope he doesn't take me too seriously. i'm not a bad student. just a punk. i finally got to sit down and talk to my brother. we've both been so busy, we don't even have time to chat a little let alone drive down and visit each other. speaking of, when shall i take my next road trip? not sure yet. yikes i am hyper and kind of itchy. i think i laced my shoes too tight. i guess i am going to donut stop after i pick up a few last things from sean's apartment. i look like crap. i passed out at his place after staying up all night to clean out the old one. i gave it a good scrub down so that sean could return the keys to the landlord today. i am jealous, sean's new home is awesome! it has an awesome, spacious layout for a cheap one bedroom. i feel a crash coming on, despite the pot or two of coffee i've had today. hope i can getup for school. okay i am starting to bore myself and none of these ramblings have been even remotely profound, so what's the point?
off i go.
November 06, 2005
I wanna stand up,
I wanna let go
You know, you know -
No you don't, you don't
I wanna shine on in the hearts of men
I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier...
An advisor goes up to President Bush and tells him that there were three Brazilians killed in Iraq early this morning. Bush replies, "How many is in a brazillion?"
- these are the kind of lame jokes my social psych professor finds amusing
friday night after work, i had made plans to go to a free O.A.R. concert at school (i know some of you are jealous), but don't be, because i didn't go. after a couple of shots of raspberry rum and a little beavis and butthead do america, i was ready to party. although the party itself was kind of lame, seeing all my friends made the night special. i drank with some, ate breakfast with others. it was the most pitiful bacon i had ever seen. i had nightmares about a couple guys i know and some crazy devil creature that wanted to kill me. it looked like a furry neopet. work sucked, but i got free makeup for getting people to open up credit cards. they still owe me a lipgloss. i got a job offer to be a teller at a credit union, which is cool because the manager offered to work around my school schedule and pay me more than what i'm making now. i just have to find the time to go in and apply. sean's new apartment looks awesome. it's filled with boxes, but it looks like he's going to have the hippest pad on the block. i can't tell if he's mad at me. he refused to let me hang out with his friends or help him move while they were there, but he allowed my friends to come over for awhile... i dunno. he doesn't even call me anymore. it's saddening. am i slowly losing my best friend? maybe he is just really busy... i can understand that. tonight i watched "batman begins" for the brazillionth time. OF COURSE i fell asleep just before the climax of the movie. that's what i always do. but at least it allowed lauren and powley some makeout time. oh yeah, they are offically dating now. yay for them! they're so cute it almost makes you sick, but in a good way. i, on the other hand, am not really looking for a boyfriend. or am i? i dunno, i am trying to be laidback and go with the flow. i know matt has a crush on me. he's adorable, but i don't know... anyhoo, i am starving and tired and a tad lonely. i want to go to sleep, but i know i will have more bad dreams. i hope i don't become an insomniac just to avoid these nighttime hallucinations! my neurotransmitters are all out of whack. i don't remember which ones though. i can look it up for you later. but you don't care. shut up lisa and go to bed.
OH WAIT! If you get a chance, read the one-act play by Samuel Beckett called "Krapp's Last Tape" and see if you notice any similarities between Krapp and me. Because I did and it was fucking scary.
Ok, goodnight.
November 03, 2005
"The gonads are liberated!"
~ Dr. Lupo on the mating season of gerbils or hamsters or something
I fell asleep at Sean's apartment last night after trying to move the rest of my shit out of there. I mingled with neighbors whom I haven't seen in a while. Jill is pregnant, but she's giving her baby up for adoption. Matt and Jill are still as sweet as ever. Unfortunately, Cory came home while I was over there. Blech. What a tool. Luckily he holed himself up in his room so I didn't have to talk to him. I tried being his friend, but he wouldn't have that, so whatever. Anyway, I passed out at Sean's and my dad was sweet enough to call me in the morning and wake me up for school. I always tell myself that I'm going to set an alarm and get up early, but I should learn by now that it will never happen. I look like crap. Well at least I think so... Some other people told me I looked cute. But my hair is greasy, my legs are unshaven, my clothes are a day old and my underwear is two days old. Yucky.
As I was driving up 24th street on my way to school, Aretha Franklin's "Respect" came on. I turned it up and started jammin'. Apparently I was too loud because the lady driving next to me rolled up her window. I looked over with an apologetic smile and a small wave. She must've thought I looked cute or something because she rolled her window back down and shouted, "Are you married?" I replied with an awkward "No." Then she shouted, "Do you wanna be?" But the light turned before I could ask her if she meant to HER or someone else. She did look kinda butchy. But lady, you just made my day. Thanks for the compliment.
The other day my friend and I were gossiping about a guy in our class that we think is hot. I said, "Stacy, I'm so bored. What are we gonna do for the next hour before class?" She replied, "Why don't you call up Joe and tell him you wanna screw him?" Um, I think not. But an hour later in Social Psych, we were discussing gender differences regarding sexual promiscuity. To demonstrate these differences, we were asked to write anonymously on a piece of paper the answers to the folowing 3 questions:
1) What is your gender?
2) What is the total number of people you want to have sex with in your lifetime?
3) Imagine someone of the gender of your choice. This person is an Adonis, absolutely gorgeous in every way imaginable. This person comes up to you on campus and says, "I have 40 minutes to kill before my next class. Would you like to go have sex with me?" Would you say yes or no?
Immediately my friend and I burst out laughing at the irony of it all. Luckily the guy wasn't in class that day, or I would have had to leave the room from laughing too hard. Of course, the teacher didn't know what was going on. But irony like that occurs all the time in that class. Every time he tries to demonstrate something with a random, imaginary example, it totally pertains to me! I mean word for word, that exact thing has happened to me! Last week he asked me to imagine that I was dating a guy who ended up cheating on me, and to imagine my jealousy if I knew that he was over there having sex with her right this minute. What?! I told him how that actually did happen to me, and he felt awful. I told him not to worry about it though. But it's weird how every demonstration is the story of my fucked up life.
Speaking of cheating, Becky, Seth's girlfriend, has discovered my page on Facebook. I don't know how comfortable I am with her. She stole my most serious boyfriend away from me. Or rather, he allowed himself to be stolen. I blame both of them. But anyway, I don't know how to react when she sends me an e-mail or a text message. I can't really say I want to be friends with them. But I guess it would be good to keep in some sort of contact with her. I'd want to know if Seth got hurt or died or something. Anyway, Becky, if you're reading this - you seem like a really cool girl, and in some other circumstance, you're totally the type of person I'd like to be friends with. But I guess it will take some time before I can completely let go of our awkward situation. But I'm trying. Hope you two are doing well and staying happy. And good luck with the kids!
My sex life on the other hand has been crazy as hell. I've been getting hit on left and right and oh, I'm so confused! I'm used to having a steady relationship, official or unofficial, there's always one guy that takes priority in my life. But now it's just like a typhoon of casual dates and flirtations, etc. that I'm not used to. So after making out with a guy I'll probably never see again, I start to feel needy, like I should call him up and make plans for next week or something. I dunno. You probably think that I'm just being stupid. I'm trying to be laid back and let things flow, but it takes getting used to, I guess.
BUT, I think it's time for a nap. Then lunch with my pals and a guy that has a total crush on me, but pussied out of asking me for my number. He's adorable, but I feel bad because he said he skipping class to eat lunch with us. Yeah, yeah, skipping one class is not usually a big deal, but it's a philosophy class! Maybe it's just me, but I would go because I love love love philosophy. I was going to be a philosophy major, but I figured the only real career options are to become a teacher or a priest. So my choices are pretty limited, and I don't have the patience to teach. Stupid kids, why don't you get it?!
Yeah so um, I gotta go, but I'm sure I'll post more later, along with some pics from Halloween. I've been really busy lately, which means no time to post entries, but it also means more shit to write about, so expect to be doing a lot a reading once you DO see an entry :)
Out.
October 30, 2005
oy, what a crazy night for partying! i looked so hot in my costume. i don't have any pics to post yet, but i'll get them soon. i took a picture of some girl's ass. she was passed out and from afar, i thought it was a nice butt. i ended up getting a condom that was being passed around; guess i'll have to save it for later. i was getting hit on left and right, and i ended up having to avoid one guy so he wouldn't see me talking to a different guy... if that makes sense. i dunno, i don't like to be the rejector. it makes me feel pity for them. i got drunk at the first party, so i wasn't able to go to the other two or three. i think eating during the day would have helped. and oh man, my feet are DYING! i regret walking around in 4-inch platform boots all night. i finally just started walking around in socks, but it was still painful. and now i'm off to an 8-hour workday. as it turns out, my cell phone doesn't automatically set itself back an hour for the end of DST, so I didn't get an extra hour of sleep :( oh well. it's nice to come home at 8 in the morning and not get lectured for being out all night. probably because i'm making sure to come home and get to work on time. maybe. i dunno. i'm a little hung over, and my thoughts aren't flowing very clearly. i'll update more later. i think i am carving pumpkins tonight. i love holidays!!!!
October 29, 2005
can you guess who this is? there's an easy way of figuring it out, but if i told you, that'd be cheating.
I love music first thing in the morning...
"I can't stop this feeling
Deep inside of me
You just don't realize
What you do to me
When you hold me
In your arms so tight
You let me know
Everything's all right
I, I'm hooked on a feeling
I'm high on believing
That you're in love with me"
~ Neil Diamond, Hooked on a Feeling
"I play my cards best I can
But I lose my luck when you're not here
My darling heart, won't you please give in
I may be strong but I want you back again
When you're not here love, it's hard to pretend
It's all alright again
When you're not here love it's hard to pretend
It's all alright...still
Why do I beg like a child for your candy?
Why do I run after you like I do I love you
Whatever you are I swear
You'll be my angel"
~ Dave Matthews, Angel
One nice thing about living with my dad is that I can roll in at 8 am on a Saturday morning to a house blasting with music. Unfortunately, not all of it is stuff that I would listen to, but oh well. Parents aren't supposed to be cool 100% of the time anyway. Unless we lived in some alternate universe....or do we?
Everybody get ready for Halloween, and if you wanna party, just give me a call! Costume recommended, but not required. And bring some cash because I'm not buying your drinks tonight.
October 27, 2005
i weighed myself the other day, and it turns out i have lost about 30 pounds in the last two months. most people say "congrats" and "yay for lisa." however, my friends in nursing say that it's unhealthy and resemblant of anorexia. i'm not purposely starving myself... i eat when i'm hungry (which i guess isn't as often as most) and it takes very little to fill me up. and i do a lot of walking around campus and at work. i don't have some psychopathology telling myself that i am too fat and no one could ever love me if i don't lose weight. yeah being skinnier is a plus in its own right, but i'm really quite unhealthy. jason says there are five main symptoms relevant to almost any disease:
1) fatigue
2) loss or increase in appetite
3) chronic and/or temporal pain or aches
4) insomnia (too much or too little sleep, having trouble falling asleep or waking up)
5) decrease in the immune system
yeah, i'd say i have all those. but i'm also somewhat of a hypochondriac, so who knows? i swear i have tinnitus. and i'll probably get cancer. and then i'll die. oh what happy days.
so most of my midterms were postponed to this week, and i've been busy busy busy. monday was okay, just general classes, lectures, too much coffee making me rush across campus to find the nearest bathroom before class starts, etc. tuesday was my social psych test. wednesday was my group presentation in world lit - an analysis of T.S. Eliot's "The Waste Land." in addition to the presentation, we have to turn in a paper about it. Yuck, that was hard to do. today was my physio psych test over all the sensory systems of the body. i also have a paper due in social psych. then tomorrow is another group presenation for my research/stats class - we are analyzing observations of awkward behavior presented when strangers are waiting for elevators. then after work, dinner at grandma's! i'd tell you what's to eat, but it's a birthday dinner for my dad and the cuisine is a surprise. i'm not sure if he reads this or not, so it's better left unsaid until the weekend. i know, i know, grandma's dinner is SOOO fascinating, you just have to know right now! anyhoo, saturday = work, getting all costumed up, and then party hopping until i'm too drunk to drive. i don't need to get into an accident. my brother already took care of that when he hit some old lady's dog! apparently the dog fucked up the front of his car. oh well, it happens to all of us. well, not me. i haven't hit anything living yet...unless you count grass.
so every tuesday night my friends and i meet up at B-Dub's for wings and drinks and maybe some darts. i invited hannah and jason this week. with hannah it was kind of awkward. i hadn't seen or spoken to her in the last 6 months, and when we left off, we hated each other, or at least i hated her. but i saw her online and decided to say hello and apologize for what happened in the past. at B-Dub's she was okay, I guess. she was cute until she started drinking, and then she was just loud and annoying. but i still hung out with her...she beat be at darts god damn it! it was a lucky bullseye that did me in. my friend alejandro paid her 5 bucks to kiss me, so the next thing i know she turns me around and starts making out with me. it wasn't a huge deal since we've made out in the past, but it did take me by surprise. at least she got some money out of it. although she could have given me half for borrowing so many cigarettes from me all night. oh well. i'm a giver. :)
later that evening i ended up going over to jason's apartment. it's friggin' beautiful. we stole a huge broken clock off the wall in the laundry room. apparently his building was built in the 1920's and he still has some of the original lighting and plumbing fixtures. there's even a little room where the servant would have lived (now turned into a pantry). but i loved the high ceilings, wooden floors, and chessboards all over the damn place. we played with some brass pieces he got in Egypt, but the game ended in a stalemate. he taught me some guitar, and i ended up sleeping over in his african-themed bedroom (actually quite nice) until his phone went off at 7 in the morning. damn it! i had to rush to school in my stinky day-old clothes, without my backpack, and write my speech for that morning. luckily i found a copy of the poem online because i didn't have any books with me. i even had to buy a legal pad just so i'd have some paper to take notes with for the day. but at least i went to school, which is more than i can say for my freshman year.
BUT... i've gotta head over to one of the dorms and do some elevator observations.
catch you on the flipside.
October 26, 2005
steve tends to follow the cursor, but if you click on him, he'll run on the wheel for you. i like steve...because he's kinda fuzzy.
October 25, 2005
How cool am I? Out of boredom I decided to check Martha Stewart's new show on TLC. And her guest for today was (as if it could have been anyone else) Richard Simmons. He's obviously gay, and maybe she's just a little bit butch - but I've never seen such cheesy flirting in my life! Apparently Mr. Simmons collects one-of-a-kind dolls from around the world and has over 10,000 original photos of Barbara Streisand that he's been collecting since 1965. And THEN... they had a little fashion show for halloween costumes for dogs. What the hell? Why is this show on the air? I guess it's one of those things that are so bad you just can't look away. The only segment that was even remotely interesting was when she showed us how to install a Sirius satellite radio, and then I kinda wished I had been in the audience because like every daytime talk show, everyone got a new radio. I suppose the audience members need some sort of compensation for taking off a day from work to provide applause for Ms. Stewart. Not only are they missing out on some work pay, but they probably will also have serious psychological problems after being there. But the commercial's over, and I can't look away! Ugh!
October 24, 2005
preliminary halloween costume
October 23, 2005
Okay, I am really wired, and stupid Blogger already lost my post once. Damn it. So here is a shortened version of what I was originally going to say...
I've always wanted to spend a day in someone else's shoes. I want to see into their mind and read their thoughts. Perhaps then I wouldn't feel like the only crazy person in the world. For those who would ever want to spend a day in my shoes, here is my Saturday:
Today was a busy, busy day for me. I woke up to a very cold morning and chatted with Dad over two cups of coffee. I took a shower, where I learned it is almost painful to shave your legs when you have goosebumps. I headed off to work for three hours (a waste of my time). I ran to the bank, went home to change, and drove to my first Mormon wedding. A co-worker of mine was getting married, and I still don't believe that she is virgin after dating the man for 5 years. She is probably losing her cherry as I type. Maybe. Anyhoo, after that I drove to a golf course in the middle of nowhere for the reception. The only people I knew there acted kinda clique-y and didn't talk to me much, so I didn't feel bad when I left early. I somehow managed to find my way back to the highway in the dark, and drove an hour back to Omaha. Subsequently, I met up with Bryan, my ex, who is in town for the weekend at Village Inn. There were many old friends whom I've haven't seen in years there, also. We exchanged contact info, and then I left to pick up Colin. Colin is also an old friend in town for the weekend. We then met back up with Bryan at a party in the middle of nowhere, but out west this time. But first, we got lost on the way there... dark, empty fields surrounding us. I lifted my dress as I peed outside, of course on a slippery, muddy hill. Froze my ass off as I was completely commando. I pondered whether or not I got pee on my shoes...again. At the party I ran into an old co-worker, Brad, who gave me a Guiness (ech). Met many new people and had many interesting conversations. After a while I took Colin home, and drove home myself.
But now I am afraid to go to sleep. I haven't been able to get ahold of Sean, which is odd since I know he would have wanted to hang out with Colin. I am suspicious that he is seeing someone else and not telling me. He has every right to, but I am just being honest in admitting my jealousy. I love him, but I fucked up. Now I am very sad and confused and lonely. I wish he would call me back. It is calming to talk to him before bedtime. Bah, I wish I hadn't had so much caffeine today. I'm afraid of tonight's nightmares. I don't know what they'll be, but I'm sure I'll wake up scared and frustrated. The other night I dreamed about the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I don't even like that band. Stalker Dave talked incessantly about them to me, and it completely turned me off to anything RHCP-related.
So yeah, there's my day and my worries in a relatively large nutshell. I wish I was drunk so I could just pass out and quit being so anxious. It's nerve-wrecking! Someone come knock me out with their mighty right cross that lands them a minor part in Rocky VI. Or something of that nature.
Not so good night to you.
P.S. I am sometimes dyslexic when it comes to Roman numerals, so in case I typed the above reference incorrectly, that was meant to say "Rocky 6." That is all.
October 22, 2005
Random Thoughts
Everyone is fucking psychotic today, including my cell phone.
I got hit in the face with reality tonight, and I'm quite all right with it. I guess.
Trance music must definitely be for when you're high, because when you listen to it sober, it is just too freaky...and not in a good way. My radio got a lot of weird looks from me.
Madonna's new song sucks so much ass, it's going to hell.
I am going to a wedding in the afternoon, after three pointless hours at work. I shall be attending "stag," and it makes me feel very Carrie Bradshaw, because I will be smokin'.
Bryan is coming to town tonight, which excites me as I have not seen him in at least a year. By the way, Bryan is one of my ex-boyfriends. But we still like him. He is a good friend. And I'm quite proud of him, too. He goes to art school in Philadelphia, and he is now working on the new season of MTV2's Wonder Showzen. Yay!
I figured out most of my Halloween costume. But you don't get to know what it is yet. I'll take pics at the party.
My boss drove me crazy at work. Literally. I am starting to lost control, and one day I'm gonna have to quit. I really need to get a new job lined up in case that happens.
Sunday is my dad's birthday. You all can chip in and buy him a present, because I already owe him an ass-load of money. I know he wants a new bathrobe. Can you swing it?
One last thing - Mike invited me on a ski trip to Winter Park, CO in December. It sounds like fun. Ski trips are something I've only seen in the movies...and Saved by the Bell (Damn you, Rod Belding!). I plan to go, as long as I can save up some money.
Okay, it's bedtime. I have to look hot tomorrow.
October 20, 2005
i know what you're doing...
you think you are sly and conniving, but i'm onto you. and it's not going to work. you are upset for no reason, because i knew it was you the whole time. don't try to trick me. it will only result in someone getting hurt. i thought you wanted to make things better. now you are angry and ignoring me, which in turn, makes me upset and sad. i don't know what to do. i am trying, but it looks like you just want me to fuck up again. don't test me. instead, learn to trust me. i had to do the same for you, once upon a time. i love you. i'm not out to hurt you, i promise.
I bet things were easier back then.
i am the red tree.
bright and unique, but slowly falling apart.
standing alone, making a mess around me.
only a few notice as they pass.
soon i'll be gone.
will you remember me?
Life lessons
Tough problems
Chocolate-dipped drama
PMS
How can you lose?
Your passion -
Really big deal
Rush hour
Good news
Circle of friends
Your words
Life's little complexities
For you
Taking control
Ask your doctor
No purchase necessary
Discover
The most interesting
Romantic pseudonym
An old hobby = Decorating old cigarette tins. This is a poem that emerged from one of them. I'm sure I've posted it before, but I kinda like it.
Someone please tell me why I didn't wake up until 1:30 pm today? I hate that! The first thing I did was run for my toothbrush and some Listerine. And will someone PLEASE stop making me have nightmares?! I can't take it anymore. Not that they are being controlled by anything other than my own subconscious, but still. I can't get them to stop. So someone else is going to have to do it for me. Lately, it's been the typical bathroom nightmares, with a little heartbreaking added to the mix. Last night they were about Sean. Some blonde beauty was throwing herself all over him, and he just went with it and completely ignored me. You think crying sucks in real life? Try bawling in your dreams, with no way to stop. You wake up scared and frustrated... and then when there's no one there to comfort you, you start to cry in real life. So it's like a double dose. FUCK!
I tried going to a counselor last year, but she didn't do anything about the dreams. She helped me out with some relationship problems, but I think it's gonna take drugs to stop the nightmares. I just can't stand it! It's going on eight years and enough is enough!
I need some coffee...
October 19, 2005
Yeah so, uh... what the fuck?
I don't get myself sometimes.
My ex is depressed lately. In fact, his whole personality changed right around the time he met this girl at work....he started keeping secrets and not opening up. Eventually I found out he was cheating on me with her and then I got dumped. Now he's living with her and I don't talk to them that often. But lately, he's been depressed and it's weird that I am getting calls from HER at 11 o' clock at night because she doesn't know what to do. My phone said call from "B---- the Bitch."
So here's the part I don't get - I listened to her! I tried to be friendly and counsel her. WHY WOULD I DO THAT? Those two have turned my life upside down and inside out... they sent me to one of my lowest points. So why am I being there for them? My ex called also, the other day. I dunno, maybe I still care about him. But I don't know why I offer to help them out. I don't want their relationship to succeed. I want it to fail so he could see what a shitty thing it was to choose her over me. It's apparent that his life is already taking one bad turn after another. I don't want him to die or anything....but just to feel what I felt.
So I dunno. It's so weird to have her call me up needing someone to listen.
I don't know what to do. I want things to suck for them, but at the same time I hate to think someone is suffering. Argh! I wish none of this had ever happened! I'm so confused!
What would you do?
i need a new job...one that i'm not ashamed to admit that i have. i need a job that helps people, or provides some sort of necessary service. i'm sick of catering to cranky old ladies who buy over-priced, mis-matching outfits because they have nothing better to do with their day. if i was retired, i'd be writing and painting and singing and traveling...
in fact, i'd have to wait until i was retired to do any of thoe things anyway.
i've come to the conclusion that life in america is a waste of time....
i get underpaid at a shitty part-time job while i go to school so i can learn to be really good at a shitty full-time job, so good in fact that i end up working overtime every week, wearing myself out so much so that i grow sick, and then there will be no time to do the things that i love until after i die.
why do they work us so hard?
this is why i am moving to south america... or maybe new zealand. either way, i need to get out of here.
this is how pathetic it is...
people are coming to inspect our store today...i have to go in on my day off even when i feel like shit because of my cold to make sure that every little t-shirt is folded properly even though i'm sure the people that are coming in don't give a fuck!
i just feel lost...
and i haven't the resources to find the way to where i want to be.
October 18, 2005
Ay, papi! Yesterday was a busy day. I came home from Sean's around noon. Got some coffee and played with Charlie in the backyard The leaves had turned and were starting to fall... It was friggin' beautiful. I got a call from Seth who needed to kill a couple hours out west, so I let him come over. In return, he took a load of my old clothes to Goodwill for me. I cleaned my room for a bit - got some pictures up on the wall. I went to Powley's for a beer and the Astros v. Cardinals game. Cardinals won, and Lauren is shooting herself in the foot right now because she fell asleep before the game-winning home run by Pujols. I went to Walmart in CB and picked up a $10 cd player. I just need something to tide me over until I get an iPod. I was going to hang out at Donut Stop and sketch for a little while, but instead I got invited by Jeremy to a party out closer to my house. Except, when I got there, my friends had stepped out for a little kb run all the way down in lincoln! fortuantely, i had met the other kids at the party (and by kids, i mean everyone except alex was younger than me) at other times, so it was all good. turns out one of them knew my lil bro. deciding not to stick around for j, i hit up taco bell just before they closed, went home and masturbated, and had nightmares until morning.
Today's schedule is a tad different:
I need to go hit up NFM and see if they have any Batman Begins dvds left for 10 bucks! Probably not, I woke up late. I'll get some laundry and other errands done, go to work, go to B-Dubs, go to movie night atPowley's, where we will be watching, you guessed it, Batman Begins, and then I don't know what after that. It's Fall Break, so whatever I wanna do, I guess :) I kinda want to go down to Lincoln tomorrow. We'll see. I probably don't have enough money.
Anyway, this was the most boring blog entry EVER, so I'm gonna finish my coffee and split. Hopefully more profound insights will appear later!
October 16, 2005
You fucker. That's so not nice to tease me by making me think things were going better only to be a jerk later on. And sarcasm is NOT funny to the person you're being sarcastic to! Ugh!! *soooo frustrated* I feel like punching my keyboard, but that would not be wise. I'm crying for no reason. I don't know. I'm cranky. Everyone kept calling me waking me up from my nap. I'm so fucking dependent on the company of others. They call me looking for things to do, but if it's not in a group, no one bothers to think that maybe just Lisa is bored. I finally get some free time and all I can think to do is get sick and fall asleep. My legs REALLY need to be shaved....I haven't had any fucking time!!! I have bug bites all over my legs and I think I'm getting a damn breakout from all the stress and maybe just a tad too much chocolate. My head is stuffy and it's cold or hot everywhere I go. I can't seem to get comfortable and everyone is getting on my nerves. Just leave me alone!!! But really, please don't. I'm a fucking loser who can't stand being alone. I need to be stimulated or I go insane. Kinda like right now.
God damn it!
There's more I want to say, but I feel that if I publish it for all to see, I am going to regret it. I am looking for something in particular, but I'm holding myself back, tangled up in my safety net. I'm not as brave as everyone thought I was. I'm sitting around thinking that life will come and happen to me, because if it's really right, then that's how it'll be. If I go out searching, I'll come across something that resembles what I seek, but I won't ever be sure if it's what I truly want. Until then, I sit here awake and unhappy and unsure. And if this sounds cryptic to you - good, it's supposed to.
October 15, 2005
Okay, so I finally have a few minutes to myself. It's been a crazy weekend with the huge sale going on at work. A billion loony ladies running around like chickens with their heads cut off looking for a blouse to match their pants but oh no! they don't have enough coupons and that turtleneck is the wrong size but they're all out of mediums in omaha and it costs nine frickin dollars to send a 10-ounce top from Des Moines, Iowa to some grandma's split-level in LaVista and that will be $95 for the light blue Ralph Lauren cable-knit even though we have a cheaper one lying under the pile of balled up, ugly-as-hell tapered-leg jeans that people couldn't take half a second to hang back up and ahhhh!!! It's time for another cigarette break...
Apparently this week was Midterms Week although I never even noticed because I only had one test and didn't even realize that I have Fall Break next week! Yay!! It'll give me a chance to catch up on some much needed rest and maybe do some laundry and take a long, hot shower.
In the meantime, I've watched two pathetic romantic comedies while waiting for someone to call me back three hours too late, which is really quite rude. I ate more than one too many tacos and now my tummy hurts. There are prospects of cosmic bowling later this evening as my plans to visit the pumpkin patch have been foiled. Drat!
I don't know what else to say. Really. I've had a lot on my mind over the last few days and I forgot to write any of it down. I've been doing some sketching lately. I posted a few of them on Buzznet, and hopefully I'll have some more up soon.
Okay, so yeah. I'm lonely. Someone give me a call. Or leave a comment. So maybe I know at least someone reads this. Maybe.
Ok bye.
October 11, 2005
Genius!
Corcoran (is that how you spell his name?) just suggested that I bring my sandwiches in a tupperware container to help prevent smooshing! Unbelievable! Inconceivable! Great Scott!
And Sean - I've called you twice already to wake you up. I'm not calling anymore. I feel like a tool talking to your answering machine knowing perfectly well that there are two capable phone answerers in that apartment, and not one of them will end my misery! WAKE UP!!!
So what, so I've got a smile on
But it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
Don't believe me, don't believe me
When I say I've got it down
Everybody is just a stranger but
That's the danger in going my own way
I guess it's the price I have to pay
Still everything happens for a reason
Is no reason not to ask myself
If I am living it right
Am I living it right?
~John Mayer
The benefits of being a friendly networker: The coffee shop clerk loaned me 64 cents so I could have my morning coffee. Thank ya, lady! Be nice to those whom you encounter, and they may just help you out one day! Not that missing your morning coffee is such a dire situation; but I don't get breakfast, and I wasn't too fond of nodding off in Physiological Psychology at 9:30 in the morning. The class is mostly lecture - really fast-paced lecture. The text is only good for the pictures, and even some of those are unclear. So falling asleep? Not such a good idea.
I think I might actually do well on a test in Physio now! Today we began our discussion on audition (the sense of hearing). With my background in physics and music, I followed the lecture quite nicely. Plus, I've had about a billion hearing problems throughout my life. I already know I have significant hearing loss, but I think I may also have tinnitus. I should make an appointment with the doctor to get that checked out.
I should probably also get a mammogram or something being that October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. While most women wait until their 40's to have this exam, my family history suggests that I might start getting tested now. It's not just my mom who died of it. My aunt (her sister) died from breast cancer, too. And a third sister had it, but she is currently in remission.
Sean says I'm going for the triple threat: breast cancer, lung cancer, and skin cancer. Although I've terminated my membership at the tanning salon, I have not yet quit smoking. I switched to Camel Lights (from the previous Camel Filters) in a lame attempt to say that I am quitting. But really I am just smoking more cigarettes more often.
Speaking of appetite suppressants, I am starving. I brought a sandwich from home, but I'm sure it has been smooshed by now. Backpacks, although more hip than lunch pails, do not provide adaquate anti-smoosh protection for ham and cheese sandwiches. The fudge brownie might be all right, as it is a little more dense. But it's still totally smooshable! For instance, if I were to step on it, it would probably smoosh. Maybe if I threw it against the wall... Or bounced it off someone's head... Either way, I'm eating it.
Adios para ahora!
2:41 am
I can't sleep. When I close my eyes there are too many gruesome images flashing through my head. I tried to focus on a single white light, however the images frightened me awake again. The nightmares died down for a while, but they never stopped. For those of you who don't know me, I have been having nightmares almost every night for what I estimate to be over 6 years. I can remember the first ones started my freshman year of high school. Coincidentally, I think that was when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. But I think the coincidence is unrelated. Last year I went to the school counselor to resolve this problem, but we ended up discussing other aspects of my life instead. Oy, that was a bad semester.
Anyway, I wish I was blogging right now, but the mousepad on my laptop isn't working; and it's too late to worry about it now. Sometimes I become obsessed with writing every little thought down.
I am tired...exhausted even....
But my brain is way too busy to let me sleep.
October 10, 2005
i find myself reverting back to an old, yet this time around more nuanced, stereotypical phase...
pin-up leg sleeveless tank
black & white polka dot blazer
worn-out chuck taylor's
but my jeans aren't skinny enough
coffee shop haircut
late night at the donut stop
where does punk end and poser begin?
so lame
fuck that. i'm eclectic. preppy chic one day. coffee-house alternative the next. like i said, you don't fuckin' know me.
why don't you try to?
I saw the most beautiful flock of geese this afternoon, but I couldn't take a picture because I left my friggin' camera phone at Sean's casa!
Current desktop:
I'm off to watch my new dvd - Ghost World. I am in love with Scarlett Johansson.
...and Thora Birch.
In the words of Frank Rizzo, "Yeah, I'd stick my finger up her butt."
October 09, 2005
Shitty Day
woke up late for work
bad hair day
running low on gas
hitting every red light
overworked and understaffed
BUT...
I got hit on by the guy who works at Subway. He's never said much to me before. I think it's the new haircut. :)
LIGER
Bred for its magic and skills!
Someone drew me a picture of a liger with that caption and taped it to my cash register one morning. From the handwriting I thought it might have been Amy, but that's impossible because she is out of the country. Unless... ???
There was a ghost in my room the other night. My oscillating fan turned on for a moment, then off again. I was on the other side of the room. Creeeeeeepy.
Today...
Went pumpkin shopping
Saw a box of cereal called "Nutty Nuggets" (use your imagination)
Went to the bookstore...
I read a very interesting philosophical discertation On Bullshit by Harry Frankfurt (pun totally intended)
I also read Amphigorey by Edward Gorey. Here are a few choice quotations:
Beyond the glass, we see life pass.
It is not the living, it is the being lived on.
Not everything in life can be interpreted metaphorically. That's because things fall out on the way.
More is happening out there than we are aware of. It is possibly due to some unknown direful circumstance.
I thought it was going to be different. It turned out to be just the same.
To catch and keep the public's gaze, one must have lots of little ways.
And what if then we don't find out what all of it has been about?
I was with Sean. I stayed at his apartment for a little while, but left when Cory arrived. He laughed at me as though I had gotten myself into something absolutely ridiculous. Maybe he's right. But I'm tired as hell and I don't want to think about it.
Goodnight.
October 08, 2005
I ran up the down escalator the other night. It was tough, but invigorating.
I hate poetry. It's too cryptic. But I wrote three poems Friday morning...
#1
Contortion under the sheets
Fallen tears and blushing flesh
Fleeting contemplations
Searching for a meaning
Why, oh why
Do you make me feel this way?
Transforming into someone
I don't want to be
I am my own person
You don't know me
You don't know...
And apparently -
You'll never know...
#2
A heavy heart
Anchors me
And guilt has overcome
Never was
My intent
To ruin all the fun
For Us.
Like no other
You've been there
Through all the pain and tears
And one can only
Hope and pray
For forgiveness
Except I don't pray
No more smoke
No more mirrors
For Us.
#3
It's not my own heart
With which I am
Concerned,
But that of you and him and she
I have made you hate your home
It's unfair, what I did
Despite any moral objection,
Not in the wrong
But not in the right
I'm stuck in the middle
With you.
I met a hitchhiker last night. Well, more like Cory met a hitchhiker downtown and brought him back to the apartment. I was over there killing time waiting to invite Sean to the haunted houses. Drinking ensued. Mai tais. Flirting and teasing, I suppose. I made it apparent that I was not going to sleep with this new acquaintance, and he turned into sort of an angry drunk. "Fuck you, you can leave." Gee thanks. I looked over to Cory for advice or comfort or SOMETHING. But I got nothing. So I decided to leave. Outside, I ran into Sean and all of his best friends. God, what a sea of dirty looks and bad vibes. I get no sympathy. I cried my eyes out on the way over to Mike's. Haunted houses were a bust. Fell asleep on Mike's couch. In the morning, my sunglasses broke and I drove home in wrinkled clothes.
I don't know why...things are just not going well for me. I am trying really hard to make up for my mistakes, and it's as if I have absolutely no credibility. Not a single "Oh, Lisa, we understand that you are a dumbfuck. But we're willing to handle this like civilized people, because we still want to be friends with you." NOTHING! No one gives a shit about how I feel about things. No one cares that I am trying to make amends. They all just wanna hear the juicy gossip and jump immediately onto the hate-wagon.
FFFFUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!
I got a haircut. Bought some new pants. I need a change. No one wants to be around me? Well fine! I don't need you. I don't care. Screw it. Actually, I do care. But whatever. I've done the alone-thing for years. I can do it again. Maybe. Probably not. UGH! I'm so fucking frustrated. I have nowhere to go. My dad hates me. My friends hate me. My other friends pity me. And everyone has the impression that I'm some huge slut. Fuck, no. And I'm too much of a chickenshit to escape. Is anybody hearing me? Does anybody read this? If so, what the hell do you think???
P.S. Where is my Rooney cd???
October 04, 2005
Where you go is where I wanna be.
I fell down at school today. Tripped on the sidewalk right in front of the library for all to see. Lauren was nice enough to walk meback to her dorm and bandage me up. I took a nap during the Cardinals game and woke up with drool all over my shoulder. What an embarassing afternoon. And of course my Social Psych teacher had to use the incident as an example in class. Oy. I don't care though. I'm a popular, smart-ass class clown. If anything, people notice me. I guess.
I miss my home - my apartment, that is. Sure all my clean underwear is at my dad's house, but my sanctuary lies on the outskirts of downtown. It's only been a day or two since I stepped foot inside, but I miss it. I miss my friends. I miss Sean. I fucked up everything, and I feel awful. And pissed off. I jeopardized the only steady relationship in my life for a chance to date Cory. God! He said I was the exact opposite of the kind of person he wants in his life right now. *frustrated sigh* No tact whatsoever. It's not even worth it. I want my best friend back. I had doubts about dating him, but maybe I was just over-worrying. I tend to do that.
I don't know what I want.
I want things to go back to the way they were. I can't stand the thought of going home where it's dark and lonely. I am a night owl in search of the company of others. I hung out with a bunch of different people last night, but it wasn't as satisfactory as the apartment would have been. I would rather sit there and fight with Sean and fight with Cory then be left alone to dwell on the whole situation.
I want to touch lives, but I'm not perfect.
Just when things are going the way I want them to, I fuck up. I get so close to reaching my goals and then I somehow get in the way. According to the actor-observer difference, I should be blaming everyone else. And I partly am. But I also know that it's my fault. I wish it wasn't. Shouldn't the fact that I can openly admit that earn me some credit? Maybe not. I don't know.
I have to go...
oh, man.
la noche pasado...
started out with some kindness
followed by reggies
maximum overkill
i revisited the past
of my white-trash haven
childhood memories but so much has changed.
next up my tattoo
then a necklace, purple and orange.
gulping coffee by the gallon
wish i could go back
to my sanctuary
but i am not wanted
nobody's feeling the love
i'm stuck in the middle
with you
October 03, 2005
Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me 'cause it hurts
October 02, 2005
There's blood in my mouth
Cause I've been biting my tongue all week
I keep on talking trash
But I never say anything
And the talking leads to touching
And the touching leads to sex
And then there is no mystery left
And it's bad news, baby, I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news
I know I'm alone
If I'm with or without you
But just being around you
Offers me another form of relief
When the lonliness leads to bad dreams
And the bad dreams lead me to calling you
And I call you and say "come here!"
And it's bad news, baby, I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news
And it's bad news, baby, it's bad news
It's just bad news, bad news, bad news
Cause you're just damage control
For a walking corpse like me, like you
Cause we'll all be portions for foxes
Yeah we'll all be portions for foxes
There's a pretty young thing in front of you
And she's real pretty
And she's real into you
And then she's sleeping inside of you
And the talking leads to touching
And the touching leads to sex
And then there is no mystery left
And it's bad news, I don't blame you
I do the same thing, I get lonely too
And you're bad news, my friends tell me to leave you
That you're bad news, bad news, bad news
You're bad news, baby you're bad news
And you're bad news, baby you're bad news
And you're bad news, I don't care I like you
And you're bad news, I don't care I like you
I like you
September 30, 2005
I was unpacking and I came across an old journal from Prayer & Loss class in high school. I took this class after my mom died, thinking it would help me grieve. I'm not religious anymore though. Anyway, here are some of the entries:
Sept. 6, 2002
Keep your chin up. You will get through this.
I'm not quite sure what my greatest failure is. I know I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, many of which I regret. I regret not spending time with my mom during that final month. I was always out of the house - work, school, friends. Preoccupation took my mind off of things. I wanted to be happy... Perhaps somewhere in the back of my mind I thought she'd get better. On the other hand, I knew she'd die. I'd love for her to come back. But I've had to learn to move on.
Sept. 25, 2002
This last May I lost my mom to a 3-year battle with breast cancer. I think the gradual loss made it easier for me to accept. I still cry at times. I try not to dwell on my sadness, but there will always be an emptiness in my heart where she used to be. I had much support from family and friends. However, I didn't really feel any better about it. The part that saddens me most is putting myself in my dad's shoes. I can't imagine losing the love of my life. There was a formality to it all. I had to help make funeral arrangements and stuff. It made everything a little more surreal and less poignant. Know what I mean? Anyway, I'll always love her.
Oct. 23, 2002
Someday I want to...
- meet the love of my life
- visit a foreign country
-
- learn to oil paint
- be brave enough to visit my mom's grave more often
- accept myself completely
- get married
-
- work for a politician
- volunteer at a research lab
- visit SETI
-
-
- make a scrapbook
Oct. 24, 2002
Confrontation
(This girl really pissed me off that year)
Karla: I'm better than you.
Lisa: Alright, that's it. You have been buggin me for over a month now. Even if I'm not talking to you, you butt in with your own opinion, usually followed by some snide comment about me or someone else. You are a very rude and unlikeable person. Good luck succeeding in the real world. There aren't many openings for "Professional Bitch." You always act like you know everything and that you're better than everyone else. Well FUCK YOU! You're not even close. I suggest you get a new attitude or someday someone is gonna end up whoopin' your fat ass.
Karla: *speechless*
Oct. 29, 2002
Conceited Self-Analysis
I'm supposed to write about my funeral, especially what people might say about me. This will eventually lead to my own personal mission statement. I don't wanna. We're sitting in the chapel. It's rather cold in here.
Lisa Bloomingdale...
She was almost perfect.
She had so many attributes:
- intelligence
- creative
- artistic talent
- beauty
- a sense of humor
She was te most open-minded and understanding person.
People fall in love with her right away.
People become addicted.
She helped others every once in a while.
She's so very strong.
She was very giving.
Dec. 17, 2002
government class. cold. smelly. noisy. everybody but me has a clicky "boxing pen." just finished taking a test. she said it would be 50 multiple choice. she lied. my hand hurts. three minutes till the bell. can't wait. teachers are sick. students are sick. finals suck. boys suck. let david make the next move. don't mislead seth. you still love him more than anything. call him. don't stress. no worries. college apps. finals. buckle down. job apps. pray. christmas presents. finish up. money. deal with it. chapped lips. go away. final announcements. thank god. dudes, shut up! see ya.
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