September 30, 2005

I was unpacking and I came across an old journal from Prayer & Loss class in high school. I took this class after my mom died, thinking it would help me grieve. I'm not religious anymore though. Anyway, here are some of the entries:

Sept. 6, 2002

Keep your chin up. You will get through this.

I'm not quite sure what my greatest failure is. I know I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, many of which I regret. I regret not spending time with my mom during that final month. I was always out of the house - work, school, friends. Preoccupation took my mind off of things. I wanted to be happy... Perhaps somewhere in the back of my mind I thought she'd get better. On the other hand, I knew she'd die. I'd love for her to come back. But I've had to learn to move on.

Sept. 25, 2002

This last May I lost my mom to a 3-year battle with breast cancer. I think the gradual loss made it easier for me to accept. I still cry at times. I try not to dwell on my sadness, but there will always be an emptiness in my heart where she used to be. I had much support from family and friends. However, I didn't really feel any better about it. The part that saddens me most is putting myself in my dad's shoes. I can't imagine losing the love of my life. There was a formality to it all. I had to help make funeral arrangements and stuff. It made everything a little more surreal and less poignant. Know what I mean? Anyway, I'll always love her.

Oct. 23, 2002

Someday I want to...
- meet the love of my life
- visit a foreign country
- publish a written work
- learn to oil paint
- be brave enough to visit my mom's grave more often
- accept myself completely
- get married
- go to the beach
- work for a politician
- volunteer at a research lab
- visit SETI
- decorate my own home
- wear a skirt to a casual event
- make a scrapbook

Oct. 24, 2002

Confrontation
(This girl really pissed me off that year)

Karla: I'm better than you.
Lisa: Alright, that's it. You have been buggin me for over a month now. Even if I'm not talking to you, you butt in with your own opinion, usually followed by some snide comment about me or someone else. You are a very rude and unlikeable person. Good luck succeeding in the real world. There aren't many openings for "Professional Bitch." You always act like you know everything and that you're better than everyone else. Well FUCK YOU! You're not even close. I suggest you get a new attitude or someday someone is gonna end up whoopin' your fat ass.
Karla: *speechless*

Oct. 29, 2002

Conceited Self-Analysis

I'm supposed to write about my funeral, especially what people might say about me. This will eventually lead to my own personal mission statement. I don't wanna. We're sitting in the chapel. It's rather cold in here.

Lisa Bloomingdale...
She was almost perfect.
She had so many attributes:
- intelligence
- creative
- artistic talent
- beauty
- a sense of humor
She was te most open-minded and understanding person.
People fall in love with her right away.
People become addicted.
She helped others every once in a while.
She's so very strong.
She was very giving.

Dec. 17, 2002

government class. cold. smelly. noisy. everybody but me has a clicky "boxing pen." just finished taking a test. she said it would be 50 multiple choice. she lied. my hand hurts. three minutes till the bell. can't wait. teachers are sick. students are sick. finals suck. boys suck. let david make the next move. don't mislead seth. you still love him more than anything. call him. don't stress. no worries. college apps. finals. buckle down. job apps. pray. christmas presents. finish up. money. deal with it. chapped lips. go away. final announcements. thank god. dudes, shut up! see ya.

Lisa blogged at 12:22 PM.
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